The Boba Fett Diaries

"You there, Kasdan!  Make me cool again.  Please...."

You know, i don't think about Star Wars ever these days, except when some random tidbit appears on the Fark forums.  From what i understand, in a year, maybe two, my days of NOT thinking about Star Wars will be over.  Disney is gearing up to make the most of their 4 billion dollar purchase, and as we sit here, they are prepping to unleash more Star Wars than George Lucas could ever dream of. They're gonna get that 4 billion back one way or another, whether we like it or not.  I'm not really looking forward to it.  A Yoda movie?  A Boba Fett movie?  Whaaa...?

When discussing the possibility of a Boba Fett movie, some of those older nerds articulated something i'd never really understood -- the tremendous fascination that they had with Boba Fett, followed by a letdown.  They describe how action figures and art and posters of Boba Fett leaked and were promoted by Lucas's fledgling merchandising wing even before Empire Strikes Back was released -- and in the pre-internet days, this was exclusive, thrilling shit that these nerds collected, treasured, shared with friends, and wondered over.  This was the golden age of the golden age of Star Wars; they were 12-13 years old; the first movie was still legendary, they had watched it a hundred times, and all they knew is that there were two (or five) more movies coming, and they were going to contain Boba Fett and lots of other new characters, and Star Wars was simply the newest, best, most exciting thing that they would love for years and years to come.

Empire came out, it was fucking incredible, and Boba Fett... well, you didn't learn much about him.  He didn't talk, but he looked cool, and even Vader acquiesced to his demand for payment.  It was a great introduction to the character, and they all knew that when the third movie came out, the true coolness and mystery of Boba Fett would be revealed!  Yes!

...then he showed up, didn't say much, and got comically knocked into the Sarlaac Pit and died, i guess.

.......the letdown, they say, was crushing and embarrassing.  I mean, it didn't ruin the movie, they were still orgasming at seeing the Emperor and Vader's real face, but... damn, man, Boba Fett.  They spent five years drawing Boba Fett on their school notebooks, and discussing his significance with friends and it turned out that he had none really.  I never knew of this.

I am enriched by hearing these tales from the Ancient Nerds, these tales of the old times i can barely remember.


There's a wild rumor that the guy tasked with writing The Boba Fett Diaries dislikes his prequel origins so much that he wants to make "Boba Fett" an unknown guy who kills the real Boba, steals his armor, and goes on to become a legend.  That.... would be better.  Because when you really look at the "secret" of Boba Fett, it's actually incredibly lame.  See, the truth about Boba Fett is... well, that he's a clone of the guy that they cloned to make the original Stormtroopers, only he didn't have his balls genetically shrunken to be docile and lame.  So he wears a mask, because if people saw his face, they'd say, "Hey!  You're one of those original Stormtroopers!  Shine my shoes, biatch!" and he'd have to explain again, for the umpteenth time, no, no, i'm not one of those.  There are about 500 million clones who look just like me, and they all totally suck, but i'm the only one who's unique, because i'm an unaltered clone... so... i'm exactly like my dad?  More or less?  Fuck, that's lame."


That is lame.

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